This Christmas I am going to admit something outside of my own head. Meaning I am going to vocalize it. I already started it actually by telling my life’s partner, Leisha. I don’t really like Christmas. Now don’t get me wrong, I love the ideas behind Christ Mas, the birth stuff. I just don’t like what it represents in my/our culture. All the spending, the goofy movies, the lights are ok, everyone is so happy but yet pushy and even if they are not pushy they often are only friendly, happy, for now. What’s up with that ???? I would actually prefer more of a year of more genuine kindness under less pressure without the fake happiness under pressure that leads to pushiness. I would trade for that. Just a community that is kind under normal times all year. I know I’m not alone, but I’m not going to call anyone out, force them to join in my chorus.

To me all of the above things other than the Jesus part represent things missed, probably pretty much family things missed. Some families have a tradition of getting together as family. Other than the 3 of us, Leisha, Claire and I we don’t have much of that, haven’t in years and years. It hurts to see that play out year after year… Claire cry’s.

Soo much bad family water, bad blood has gone under the bridge. As much as I have learned how to forgive and understand deeper than a lot of people the need to be forgiven… I can’t find the keys to turn all of this fully around. I guess another year in the transformative lifestyle of Jesus is the bigger need here. I do have hope for that.

Spent this morning discussing a discipling failure, a person living in far more pain than I do. Wasn’t too happy with the conversation, between the words were blame, no matter how I tried to describe our efforts there was still blame to not do something more with the implied, that would have made a difference… Maybe it would have, Leisha says emphatically no. But why that kind of conversation right now ? I don’t get it.

I kept thinking about all 2014 did hold, 4 1/2 months with a dying father. A couple of months with a wife, going deeper into asking for forgiveness, revealing to her all of my thoughts as I abused her years ago. Asking for even more forgiveness. The arguments we held as we “Renegotiated our Economies”… Another week in the hospital with my mother discovering how deep she really is in Dementia. A lot of money spent on a failed escape with my daughter on a short ski vacation… Months and months of my wife being sick with very slow improvement, but with all of that and more we could have made a difference in this one life if we would have only…..

Maybe more than anything I am just tired of 2014.

There were wins but there was a lot of tough times. Just because you see a nice house and nice cars, maybe too much time on my hands doesn’t mean I feel blessed. I know its first world problem types of things but… no matter, a successful guy has pain and fears too. Even with Jesus he can… and does.

I can say I tried to renew my mind out of everything that came at me, and at the end of the day, at the end of this year. This type of blog entry. Here is to a better 2015  and a song that sort of helps me along….