(The below all occurred towards the middle of July 2014)

Well inside of me I am done with my sabbatical.  I began to sense this a couple of weeks ago.  Funny how, at least for me there was more like a sunrise in realizing this rather than a moment.  But now that the sun has fully risen I know it fully.  There is a side of me that is wishing our vaca to Anna Maria wasn’t scheduled as well as it not being so long, 2 weeks in a beach house on the beach, on the nice side of the island facing west but…  Scheduling that and the 2 weeks away came out of the same thought processes of taking a sabbatical, so I will complete the journey, as difficult as it is, I will do the hard work of crossing the finish line !!!! (har har)

Doing our video on my abuse to Leisha was a little rough because I was forced to think through all of that stuff again.  So I took a sabbatical at home to process my fathers death and was in a way asked to process my anger in a very visible way.  Surprisingly I trust what happened.

I guess I could have applied my WILL to it the sabbatical.   Just kept myself distracted but if that would have happened I would not be writing this.  So I mostly spent time at home with Leisha, a lot of time, percolated, soaked, chewed and let things go where they needed to go.  Then one day I realized the sabbatical had to end,  that it had just ended on it’s own.  There seemed to be not much else to be answered for now.

A lot of low hanging fruit was worked through in the last year and a half, a lot of huge pieces of low hanging fruit, a lot of thick outer layers of the onion. Now we are getting into some deeper stuff which is very deep and to be honest scary stuff. I wrote two post on FB.  They were pretty much first draft’s meaning I just typed.  That usually means I am typing out what I have been thinking on for some time and a lot of thought has already passed through my brain, so it just flows.  I wrote this in a single pass.

One post: So a small part but yet a significant part of Leisha’s and my story was exposed this week in the video. For sure it has been a surreal experience. We have had to re-live something that we are really way past and as a result questions have come to the forefront in my mind and here is one answer…

To do what I did to Leisha for so long, an underlying element was I didn’t see all of her. I didn’t see into her…. I have seen this expressed several different ways in the psychological world. I was stuck in trying to see into me where I only saw a lot of pain that ended up in anger that expressed itself in how I treated her. Even though I really wasn’t angry AT HER, Sometimes I was but often not really at her at least at a root level, anger was just there, simmering.  No matter, she bore the brunt of it.

I challenge you to look around at your relationships and ask yourself, where is it that you can’t see into people. You will know….If you are frankly honest with yourself you will certainly know. It might even be your spouse….

It might not express itself like it did with me. It could express itself in always striving to make way more money than you really need. It might express itself in porn addiction, self-medicating with pot, alcohol, fast cars, too much golf, accepting too many business trips, too much church or civil service…. There are a lot more possibilities than what you saw in our video.  Some of the things I just mentioned are attempts at turning away from what is going on inside of you, trying to see into THOSE things,  or not wanting to see anything at all, just do.   Thus you put you into a place of seeing into no-one, including yourself.  The ultimate blindness is not seeing into the face of Jesus.  If you can’t really see those physical beings around you how can you see an invisible spiritual being.  It’s a circle of problems.

I then Challenge you to go into a deep, long term venture into an ‘Identity” pursuit with your “Good Father” in heaven. Not a warrior God. Not a distant God. Not a metaphysical God but only a “Good and Loving Father God”.  There you will begin to see into your true self and begin to have the capacity to see into the relationships around you in a true way. Then you will find your soul begin to be healed, bad relationships restored, good ones taken to heights never imagined.  Be seen, then you will see.  

THAT is a huge key to a good life.

I can testify that I have done such deep work on seeing into her, lifting her up, we are at a very new place together…but, the new low hanging fruit is others… after I wrote those words above about not seeing her.   The realization of that capacity in me kept looming larger and larger.  I went from having zero doubt I could do that to the most treasured person in my life to beginning to see I do do that with others…. Then I wrote this a few days later.

Another Post: What if…. you were able to repent Not repent of your sins but Metanoia, meta-morph into something new, turn towards God, have a radical transformation of the heart. and in doing that see him seeing you so clearly, so real that you were filled with the realization of how much he loved you. How truly awesome he thinks you are. What if that experience was so powerful you were finally able to Love him with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind and as a result finally love yourself the same?

What if you were so full of grace from all of that, not Grace that is allowance but Grace that is power. Power to love your neighbor as you now loved yourself.

What if that is how heaven is at hand….

What if the following was not only a commandment but also a description of a process, a reality: Jesus replied, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself. The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.”

Imagine there’s a heaven, It’s not hard to do. Imagine you being so in love with yourself like above, loving other people. Imagine all the people, living like you do…..

I know what to do about it, I know where to go.  My experience is sooooo deep and vast with receiving that kind of identity shift, I trust in the Lord with everything I am about the process.  I know what to do with these other character flaws, but yet at the same time  I can’t express to you how awful I feel about having them.  It’s a little difficult in shaking those ill feelings due to the awareness of how I too often just don’t see others… Maybe it feels something like Paul’s Thorn in the Flesh and maybe it should sting just like a thorn.