I try to create songs and I am somewhat successful at finishing a song now. I post them to FB and I don’t get any responses to them, so maybe not so successful at creating something others like. That really is ok, because what I create is mostly messing around on a canvas of sound and what I end up with is just that, something that I stumbled upon, stumbled through…messing around, but it shows me, me on the inside…
So I sat down recently and began to stumble around again, after about 2 hours I hit upon something. I saved the base of it and began to stumble around in it. I saved it down as “I Was Saved”… As I kept messing around with the melody and some backdrop textures I kept getting more and more emotional about it. I thought I should rename it as I was Saved From Anger, maybe I was Saved From Rage, I finally named it I dream of Things. There is something about this one. I dream of a day that I can look back on my days of Anger with full awareness I have overcome.
There are only 3 people who REALLY understand what I am delivered from. One of them is Leisha and she knows the most but even at that, she only knows from an outside view. No one knows the depth and breadth of deliverance except me.
As I was discussing this anger thing with some guy friends recently one said its good to have become mellow. To say I have become mellow is a vast understatement. I have not only been saved, I have been changed.
Someday I am going to get a tattoo and its going to have one word on it “Resolve”. It was a word One of my pastors, Justin Nall, gave to me Jan of 2013 and it was a word to replace the word Will. He says of me he has never met a man with the strength of Will that I have. It changed me to soften that self description because my question of the that time was I didn’t know if I could fight against my will so as to surrender. Having that word was one of the countless steps I have been through in being changed from the inside out. I resolved to surrender in-spite of myself.
I have watched the Ray Rice news with a view point that is probably different than most. Because it was my over the top will that stood against my rage that kept me from decking Leisha. My will was not to become too bad of a person, I had limits. But now I see I had that kind of capability, let me be clear, I never felt like hitting her EVER, but she never spit in my face or came at me with any sort of aggression. Not only am I the only one aware of that, it might be the first time I have admitted it even to myself. If Leisha had spit in my face like his girl friend did, I don’t know if my will was that strong…. I have massively strong emotions of sadness for both of them, I do pray that they find meaning and a good life of love together in-spite of him publically wrecking her face. Even without this years and next and next years incomes, they should already have the money to completely distract themselves from the real work that has to be done.
When I talk so much about freedom, being released from that kind of thing inside of me is what I am trying to describe. But again being released from is the result of finding freedom in Identity, its a result thing. I have been delivered from so much rage around me in certain places and I admit I showed rage back in return and lots of slow burning anger. The memories I have going way back to around 3 years are clear. I have strong memories of what my body felt like to me when the needle went into the red in front of Leisha and others. I wish I didn’t but it’s true. I have one memory of Leisha holding our baby Claire in her arms yelling at me “YOU ARE SCARING ME !!!!!”… In my odd calculations from being lost in emotions, that just made me more angry for her to accuse me of being close to hurting her.. But then I couldn’t see me from the outside, maybe she really did know more about that moment than I did at the time.
I began to use the phrase for Leisha to her last week, “You have been delivered from abuse”. She has used it a couple of times now in her writings so I know now it resonates with her. She is accepting that, maybe for the first time too.
She has finished up with her phase of counseling with Bob Hamp, we go see him together in 2 weeks. He brought up the PTSD word again to her today. That is my fault and only mine. No one has raged against her other than me. We are getting near 2 years past that moment of forgiveness I begged for and we are just now getting to the PTSD left behind in her. I don’t know if you can understand how a man that is falling in love with God’s creation, all of it and in a new way, also more so with her in new and different ways can face causing that. It has to be Holy Spirit and Jesus holding these atoms together. If I had to try to do that myself I can’t imagine having the will to do so, now that I so openly admit to myself what is my past. We have to both accept there are triggers left behind to deal with.
I believe God revealed all of this too me, not to shame me because I feel so little of that, but to show me the back drop to see redemption against in a new way. That is what is so emotional about the song I mentioned and that is why I can’t name it away from “I am Saved”.
If you need to talk about anger or know someone who does, I might be someone you or they could open up to. I now know and only recently began to come to terms with this, I have an anointing placed upon me to speak out on this… as well as deliverance from bondages of various sorts…. “Freedom From” by finding the source and truth about Freedom that is not from…deep unveilings about “Identity”. By being transparent in these things I am exploring my willingness to take a bullet for the revelations that have opened up to me all towards helping…you.
tip… If you have an internal something and you want to discuss it with someone, maybe a person who is anointed is who you want to go to. They are often anointed because they were delivered in big ways from the same problem but…. They got to the end of that story.
So here is my video once again. Above is a small window into what was inside of me that this video try’s to depict and how that melted away.
Ron